"As Is"

When we say 'I forgive u', do we really mean it?? As for me, it is very unlikely I would say yes I forgive u. It will take a looonnngg time for me to heal. I will not say something I don't mean. Sebenarnya, most of the time I have already forgiven them, but I want them to know that I don't. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I dont hate / angry at someone that easily. So when I so, mmg akan mengambil masa yang agak lama utk heal. If the person that I'm angry / hate tu tak de depan mata, it's ok. Tak de la rasa marah sangat. Tapi bila dorang dtg and say, I'm sorry. I jadi mcm benci balik. But deep inside I already forgive them. Teruk betul perangai kan.....

Last 2 days, someone who successfully make my life totally miserable years ago, came back. I've been ignoring him since the day he put me in deep shit. He came back and beg for forgiveness. Honestly I have forgiven him long time ago. Whatever happen between me and him, I take it as dugaan yang Allah bagi and as a lesson for me not to simply trust ppl. I dah redha dgn apa yang jadi. I humbly say to Allah that I redha with all this, and I beg Allah to show me the truth. I halalkan apa yang dh terjadi but I need to know the truth. I beg and beg Allah to show me the truth and Allah did answer my prayer. Terima Kasih Ya Allah. Walaupun bertahun aku menunggu, aku tetap bertima kasih dgn jawapanmu. Cuma, utk aku beritahu dia yang aku telah memaafkan dia.... terlalu sukar. It's not that I love to see him suffer and keep on begging me for forgiveness but I dont know. Between me and Allah, I redha dgn ketentuanNya. Tapi between me and him. I don't know. Do I really forgive him? I just mad and I still am.

Am i bad for not forgiving him? Am I that selfish?. He beg and continue begging me. He explained why he did it. But for me, it still doesn't justify why he did it. I came out with a long list of terms and conditions for him in order to be forgiven. Ya Allah... teruk ke aku? But I was cheated! My feelings were hurt! Tah la... I just dont know what to do. As for now, if he can proof to me all the things that I wanted, I MAY consider to say to him that I forgive him. Kalu tak, ko minta maaf je la kat ALLAH. DIA maha Pengampun.