"As Is"

"Ya Allah, aku berlindung denganmu daripada berpecah, sifat munafik dan akhlak buruk"

I have been starring at my laptop for the past 2 hours, trying to figure out what are my feelings rite now. Angry? Sad? Hate? Happy? Hungry? It's a mixture of everything!!!. One thing for sure is at this moment of time I am emotionally disturbed. But if you think that it is a routine 'monthly thing', sorry to say you are wrong. We women have feelings not only during 'that time' but all the time. It's just during 'that time' it's a bit uncontrollable.

During my teenage, I always have problems controlling my emotion. To be more specific to control my anger. I will be screaming like a crazy person trying to let go of my anger. I can't control that at all. But I guess as we get older, we tend to know how to control certain things. To this very minute I'm still trying and will keep on trying.

Supposedly today is my dept head's Farewell Dinner. Yes! The only nice, kind and understanding boss ever exist in my office. I was overjoyed for today's event. My plan was to take pictures of all my collegues so that we can frame it up and hand it over to our bos. So that he would remember the faces whom always give him trouble! (Heheheh). I was so excited that I even planned on what to wear to work so that it will look nice in the pic. :P

But everything don't seem the way I planned it. It was already past working hours. We were lepakking wasting time. Most of us rather waiting in the office than go back and out again for the dinner. Except for this one guy because his house is about 5 minutes drive from the office. I or rather we were called for a meeting (Not from the 5-minutes-drive guy). Now that starts everything! A simple meeting that tensed me up. Really up! I was so pissed off. At first it was just a statement which lead to my disaggrement and while trying to elaborate further I got really confused and angry! I just can't tolerate people who pandang remeh on etika kerja simply because to 'solve' things. Kononnya benda tu dah solve. Kononnya benda tu kecik jer. But the 'impact' to us is so great!. Why can't he see that!!. And what ever it is do not overrule your bos. Especially when you have a good one. Pay some respect guys. After all he is your bos. Just because you are our representative, it doesn't mean you can make your own decision. Geessshhh!!! Am I thinking too hard or he don't think at all?

I didn't know that I was mad that time. But after we adjourned the meeting, I felt this watery thing on my eyes. At that point of time I knew that I was holding my anger that lead to 'limpahan' air di mata. YES! I can end up cry trying to control my anger. That's just the way I deal with it. I tried to cool myself. Had my moment alone in my room. But, the moment I felt pain on my forehead and my neck, that's it! I knew it. It went up and up. I just want to go home. I figured out that if I make it to the dinner, I will not be me. I will just keep silent and do my job which is eat. That's why I decided not to go. I sms Ocha telling her that I dont feel like going. Langkah kanan when Azul is also fetching Yah @ Brunsfield. So dekat sgt la.

But I still have the money and the camera with me. Wanted to pass it to 'J' but he refuse to take. I think he noticed. (Or was it so obvious that he knew it just by looking at my face). Then I gave it to Abg 'I'. I lied (have to) to him said that I have to rush back. Then I went down and waited for Azul.

When I think it over, I wonder what makes me so mad. When I got home, some of them rang me, sms me. I just dont feel to answer them. I just want to sit and think of my behaviour. Am I being selfish? Am I being unfair? Did I give them a hard time? I don't know. I try to think that I am rite. But I'm afraid that may lead to 'hey aku betul!!' (bongkak) attitude. That's why I put Doa Mengelak Daripada Perangai Buruk as intro to this entry.

"Ya Allah, ampunkan la aku sekiranya perlakuan ku ini menimbulkan rasa tidak senang hati dan menyusahkan sahabat2 ku. Sesungguhnya yang buruk itu adalah dari ku dan yang baik itu adalah daripada Mu".

-AMIN-

Antara 'penambahan' yang berlaku:

1) Bertambahnya berat badan
- Time posa dulu ok jer...Dah ok dah... lately telah meningkat segala faktor yang mendorong ke arah penambahan ketumpatan badan...hehhe.. Kena start posa

2) Bertambah usia
- This happens every year. It will not stop until we stop breathing. I will be carrying new number this year. Welcome '31'.

3) Bertambah work load
- This is expected. Increase in workload is very much expected but can I really carry this extra load? Will try... tak try tak tau.

4) Bertambah stress
- Workload tambah stress tambah la.. Bila stress tambah kena tambah kan kecerdasan otak memikirkan cara utk tangani strees.

5) Bertambah gedix nk baca buku
- Well at least this is a positive one. Last week baru habis baca buku 'Once Removed' by Andrew Luci. Cerita bout one mat salleh guy living in Malaysia. Very funny. Nice story. Especially utk hilang kan stress. Skrg tgh membelek 'Jangan Bersedih'. Keagamaan skit. Well hidup kena la balance kan. Baca buku keagamaan ni biar sedar diri skit. Biar insaf skit. hehe. Tapi biasa la... bab buku agama ni mula la slow je baca. Baru 1 page...ngantuk...!!

6) Bertambah relax
- More relax in living daily life. A lot of things happened last couple of years. Those things really made me think alot bout life. The more I think the more I will tell myself to relax. Try to accept things the way they are meant to be. Just try to follow the flow.

Asyik tambah jer? Mana kurangnya?

PS: Kakak dah ok.. much better. Sek kebangsaan still sama but sek agama dah tukar. I can conclude that sek agama ni very good sebab baru 3 hari kakak dah 'bawak balik' macam2. Ocha kata dia siap ajar adik dia kata kalu nk lalu depan papa or mana kena tunduk. Kalu papa balik kakak ngan adik kena salam papa. And kena sembahyang (of course la. This is expected from sekolah agama). But everything ok. Cuma kat sek keb tu ada lagi sisa prob tak habis lagi.

PSS: I got back my car on Monday evening. It cost me almost RM1k!!!... Aduh!. Migraine la cam nih!

Not today...but yesterday. This is what happened....

Today is epit's wedding. So dah planning nk gi jgk wedding dia eventhough Noreen refuse to go. (Well... she said she had more important things to do but I know it's just an excuse..:P)
So bgn pagi terus tgk almari baju. What to wear? After few minutes, I decided to wear this Green baju kurung moden with kain satin. Obviously this is my fav as the colour is GREEN and I bought this kain when I was on unpaid leave (masa jaga mama sakit). Nmpk terus berkenan. Cinta pandang pertama...hehehe. That was like almost 2 years back. I remembered wearing it only twice. Tu pun attend wedding dinner. So... ok... I have decided what to wear. So nk gi iron baju la. (Note: Ocha bought her new iron. Not to say yg lama tu dah rosak but the new one is the kind yg old style tu... yang berat skit. Suppose to function better.) I swithced on the iron. Memula no 2...hmmm... not so hot... so I put straight to 4. Ok... just nice. Half way ironing the kain rasa cam panas skit.. So I go back to no 2. Waited for a while. Then I started to iron again. Letak jer kat kain tu....THAT'S IT!!!... Nasib la tindakan reflect ku masih berfungsi. There, on my kain a nice 5cm x 0.5cm hole.!! Aduh!!! Kain ku... Hampeh punya iron (Of course I blame it on the iron!. It was doing fine on no 4 but suddenly became so hot when it is on no 2-Stupid!)

But still ok. I managed to 'tampal' the lubang and still can wear it. I don't want to spoil the day only because a hole on my kain. So terus la bersiap. I have to fetch Kasma. ( I pujuk her to accompany me as in the invitation card says 'Cik Safwin Saidin & partner'). So kena la carik sesapa jd partner since I don't have a so called 'permanent' partner.

Everything went well. I arrived at Epit's around 1 something. Smpi terus mkn and duduk jap. Tgk tetamu cam ramai jek so ingat nk bgn n carik epit. Just to let him know that I dtg to his wedding. Jumpa dia kat meja beradap. Salam2 and amik gmbr. To upload kat my fotopages ( As I promised Iva utk amik gmbr epit n wife). Klik here klik there. OK ..Done! "Dah kasma, jom balik". So we headed to our car and gerak!

Masa otw balik tu tetiba teringat kat jep. Yup. Jep dh selamat balik Myanmar. Tak sempat nk jumpa dia. So ingat tak pe la. Gi la melawat mak Jep. So dari Ampang singgah la Melawati. When I made my turn to Melawati junction tetiba tergerak hati lagi (asyik tergerak hati jer smlm). "Eh, ko nk tgk umah lama aku tak?". I said to Kasma. "Belasah la..". So kona la ke jln B tu. Dekat selekoh B12 tu tetiba kereta terhenjut2. Dah! Apa pulak nih... Nasib baik sempat stop kan kereta kat tepi jln. Pelik!. Tak de angin tak de ribut main henjut2 lak keta nih. Try start keta. "Vroom!!" Ok. Bole start. Lega. Tak de masalah. So I happily tekan clutch and masuk gear. "Eh! Pesal ni. Aku salah tekan ker?" Try lagi. Tak bole jgk. Ha Sudah! Pesal keta aku tak bole masuk gear??? UWAH!!! kenapa kah ini terjadi! Apa lagi...call ocha la...Hehehe.

Me: "Wei, keta tak bole masuk gear la. Camne nih?"
Ocha: "Hah! Naper lak"
Me: "Mana la xpin tau"
Ocha: "Hmm, jap soh azul call Pak Cik Mat"

At this moment I already knew that this car need to be towed!. Sementara tunggu I call papa. Hoping that he will be in KL area. "Papa kat Rembau attend kenduri" Adus! Tunggu jer la.
So dipendekkan cerita, I talked to Pakcik Mat as he need me to check first before he can confirm that the car need to be towed. Conclusion for my checking, Pakcik Mat said try to get break oil and put it in the clutch punya bekas and try to pump. Kalu bole tu bole la bawak. Kalu tak bole mmg kena tow. So memerah otak lak nk pikir camne nk gi carik break oil nih. Bunge!!!. Dia dok kat Melawati.

Me: " Salam bunge. Ko balik umah mak ko tak minggu nih:
Bunge: "Salam. Aku balik. ni dari umah mak aku la ni"
Me: " Ye ker? Ko kat umah mak ko la yek nih. (stupid! she just told me that). Aku nk minta tlg nih. Aku kat Melawati nih. Keta aku rosak...blah...blah...blah.
Bunge: "La..ko lambat skit jer. Aku baru kuar. Aku dh kat area Ampang"

Gone!.......Ha! Zack!!!

Me: "Zack ko balik umah mak ko tak?" (Weekend seems to be balik-umah-mak day)
Z: "Balik. Tapi aku skrg kat Bukit Raja"
Me: "Hampeh!. Ko buat apa kat sana? Ko gi umah aku ker? Yang aku nk lak kat Melawati...blah...blah....blah...

Habis dah kawan harapan. As the same time kasma tried to get help.She managed to get her bro inlaw's friend to come and have a look at the car. They did something but come up with conclusion that the car still need to be towed. Well nak buat camne. After I thanked them I made a call to ocha. Pastu Kasma kata "Eh, kita tak yah bayar ke? "Ha ah la..." So kasma asked kena bayar ker? (Lepas tu baru perasan kinda stupid coz obviously he will say no). True enough the guys said " Tak pe la"... I think because kami ni pompuan yang cam blur2 wearing baju kurung yang agak glam. So they kinda have to say no to this so called glam-blur2-girls. Hehehe. Anyway thanks abg mekanik. (we dont even ask the name!!)

To cut the story short again. Gi lepak umah kawan kasma jap which happen to be seberang jln jer. While waiting for ocha. Lepas ocha dh sampai Pakcik Mat belum kuar lagi. (Dah la fr shah alam and it was raining- surprisingly raining only at Melawati. As what ocha told me. Huh! What a day!) So sementara tunggu kena la singgah kat rumah Uncle Jaafar. I very much wanted to avoid going there. Tapi nk jadi cerita tak bole elak. So me, ocha, azul and kasma pun gerak la ke rumah tu sementara tunggu kereta untuk ditow. After slightly more than 1 hour, tow dh smpi and we all pun gerak balik. Otw back called Pakcik Mat. Kalu bole minta buat cepat psl nk gi keje on Monday. Pakcik Mat kata ok. Nnt dia call.

Today Pakcik Mat call kata keta tak bole siap. Ingat kan pump jer rupanya clutch pad rosak! So kena rongkah (bukak) the whole thing. So nk tak nk kena tumpang azul ke TBC esok n minta papa hantar gi keje. Ikut hati nk EL jer tapi...KEJE BANYAK!!!! Uwah!!!!

Ocha: "Jumaat nnt xpin hantar kakak sekolah yek"
Me: "Hantar kat gate ke hantar smpi class?"
Ocha: "Memana la...gate ke class ke"
Me: "Kol berapa nk kena kuar"
Ocha: "Latest by 7.10a.m"
Me: "OK"

So on Friday January 11th terjadi la episod menghantar my beloved niece to school. Balqis is in Std 1. Dia ni prob skit bila nk gi sekolah. The reason why mama dia tak nk hantar is because.....baca la seterusnya.

7.00a.m- Kakak: "Bie dh nk gi keje? Adik tinggal ngan sapa?"
Me: "Biar la adik tinggal sorang pun"

7.03a.m- Ocha: "Hari ni bie hantar kakak ye. Mama hantar adik"
Kakak: "Naper mama tak hantar" (Muka dh tukar skit)
Ocha: "Gi jer ngan bie...bie dh tunggu kat keta tuh"

7.05a.m- Masuk jer kereta....
Kakak: " Bie, kakak tak nak gi sekolah"
Me: "Tak bole la... kakak kena gi sekolah. Kan mama ngan papa dah cakap."

Dengan muka yang penuh emosi dan air mata dok bertakung, kakak diam jer. The 'drama' is about to happen.....smpi jer sekolah (which is about less than 5 minutes)

Me: "Ok kakak, jom turun"
Kakak: " Kakak nak mama!!!!! (started crying...loud....lounder...and....)

Maka bermula la drama swasta.... To actually get kakak to get out from the car took me bout 20 minutes. From the car to the scholl gate another 10 minutes. Meraungnya tok sah kira la. Like I said....Drama Swasta di Pagi Hari.... Semua mata terpaku memandang ku (Not because I'm pretty gorgeous or what...It's because I have a 'fight' with a 7 years old girl trying to 'drag' her to school. 1001 excuses dia bagi.... Kakak mengantuk sgt la... kakak rindu mama la... There was a question she asked me. Rehat pukul berapa (I told her mama will come during your 'rehat' time). I said in 2 hours. She said kakak tnya berapa minit.... kakak tak nak jam... Then I said it will be 120 minutes. Terjerit2 dia kata lamanya!!!!... I said mana lama... only 2 hours... Ye la tapi beratus minit....Eeee! Hampeh budak nih....

So berbalik ke 'dragging' her to the gate (baru gate tau!!!) Time ni ramai dh beratur for the perhimpunan. Kakak still meraung.... (director belum kata "cut!!!...tu yang dia tak stop lagi tuh") Pengawas pun dok la help me to pujuk kakak. Mana makan saman!. Punya la dok having an "intelectual reasoning" with kakak tak sedar dari tadi 1 teacher kakak dok berdiri kat belakang. I didn't realize until kakak said " kakak tak nak beratur!!" And the teacher replied " Tak nk beratur takpe..berdiri jer kat tepi....Bawak dia ke sana" She told me. So I did bawak ...hmmm... no...more like jln2 sesorang and kakak terpaksa ikut ( I was carrying her school bag). Smpi kat depan perhimpunan tu...Histeria lagi... Nk tak nak 2 org cik terpaksa pegang kuat2. Habis baju ku ditarik2 kakak. Cikgu tu kata... Pergi jer la.... So I did... Kakak punya la jerit time tu... She was screaming sambil terjege (something like terbeliakkan mata). As if cikgu tu dera dia... I walked half way pas tu pusing tgk kakak ok ke tak... Sian plak... tak smpi hati.... tapi terpaksa tinggal kan dia....tak tau la smpi bila kakak will be camtu....

Kakak ni bukan apa... me and my sis kinda agree that she may suffer from Didaskaleinophobia (School Phobia) . Check out my sis's blog for it: http://bamz107.blogspot.com/. Dia ada almost all the symptoms. Sian nya budak nih.

Turn out mama dia tak gi pun time rehat. Ocha takut dia tak nak masuk class balik. Bila amik kakak kol 12, makcik tu ok jer!!!!... Siap beli belah kat kedai buku. Habis RM4. Beli buku kaler la, sticker la, playing cards la... Hampeh tul.... Kesimpulannya: Nk hantar tu jer prob... Dh smpi sekolah ok jer.

So...sapa nk hantar kakak gi sekolah Monday nih? Hehehhehe....

Who doesn't?... I remembered as a kid I used to lie. Well, most of the time. (hey! At least I admit it). Again, the question is who doesn't? I believe everyone in this world tell lies at least once in their life. Either you lie to your parents, your brothers, your sisters, your friends and most frequently you lie to yourself. As a kid we lie because we are afraid of punishment.

Why do we lie? I would say that people lie because they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. 'Truth hurts', some may say. But which one would you choose? Beautiful lies or hurting truth. If you choose 'beautiful lies' well nothing is this world is beautiful forever. And if you choose 'hurting truth', again nothing in this world is beautiful forever. Therefore, do expect to be hurt once in a while. After all truth doesn't hurt ALL the time. It depends on how you take it.

People say the older you get the wiser you are. Which I totally agree. As I moved on with life from kid to teenager, I realize that I lied too much. Especially to myself. So I decided to stop. I tried to tell truth nothing but whole truth. But I failed. This was when I discovered truth really hurts. Either it will hurt me or the other person. Then I realized that there will come a circumstances that we HAVE TO lie. I got this from the internet. They call it the advantages or more acceptable reasons for lying.

1)the truth can be very hurtful
2)helps avoid unnecessary conflict
3)helps maintain a sense of privacy

I would very much agree on this. Especially in 2 and 3.

I remembered once I tell the truth to one of my best friends. Guess what's the price that I have to pay for that. Our friendship!! Maybe I was too hard on her when telling the truth. Or maybe she is not ready for the truth. Anyway, we avoided each other for 8 months but thankfully we are now friends again. (How can you let go a 17 years old friendship just like that!!!)

Can we avoid lies? I believe not. There are 2 ways to look at it. For me it is 'ok' to lie if the results will make the world nicer place to live and make others happier. But what I dont agree is when the results of lying will hurt other people thus make the world not worth to live in.

So the choice is yours. You decide whether or not to tell the truth or lie. But if you ever come across people who lie to you, don't simply go crazy for that. Try to understand. Understand why they are lying to you. Try to understand their situation. Sometimes they might have reasons for that. But if they don't...then go ahead! Do what ever you want. Hehehehe!

At 9a.m sharp my handphone make noises. It was supposed to be a 'narathiwat' song but turn out to be 'zrttt....zrrttt' (because my hp was on silent mode). Ingat ke sapa call. When I looked at my hp, it was actually a birthday reminder. 5th January!!. Birthday Mama. Actually the phone doesn't have to remind me. Of course I remember my late mom's Birthday. I just forgot to delete the reminder.

Told that to my sis. "Ala, tukar je nama dari mama tu Ad. Kan ke birthday dorang sama". Ad is actually my step brother. Aunty's second child. (I still call my step mom 'aunty'. Cam susah jer nak tukar). Furthermore tak tau nk panggil apa. But definately I will not call her MAMA.