"As Is"

"Ya Allah, aku berlindung denganmu daripada berpecah, sifat munafik dan akhlak buruk"

I have been starring at my laptop for the past 2 hours, trying to figure out what are my feelings rite now. Angry? Sad? Hate? Happy? Hungry? It's a mixture of everything!!!. One thing for sure is at this moment of time I am emotionally disturbed. But if you think that it is a routine 'monthly thing', sorry to say you are wrong. We women have feelings not only during 'that time' but all the time. It's just during 'that time' it's a bit uncontrollable.

During my teenage, I always have problems controlling my emotion. To be more specific to control my anger. I will be screaming like a crazy person trying to let go of my anger. I can't control that at all. But I guess as we get older, we tend to know how to control certain things. To this very minute I'm still trying and will keep on trying.

Supposedly today is my dept head's Farewell Dinner. Yes! The only nice, kind and understanding boss ever exist in my office. I was overjoyed for today's event. My plan was to take pictures of all my collegues so that we can frame it up and hand it over to our bos. So that he would remember the faces whom always give him trouble! (Heheheh). I was so excited that I even planned on what to wear to work so that it will look nice in the pic. :P

But everything don't seem the way I planned it. It was already past working hours. We were lepakking wasting time. Most of us rather waiting in the office than go back and out again for the dinner. Except for this one guy because his house is about 5 minutes drive from the office. I or rather we were called for a meeting (Not from the 5-minutes-drive guy). Now that starts everything! A simple meeting that tensed me up. Really up! I was so pissed off. At first it was just a statement which lead to my disaggrement and while trying to elaborate further I got really confused and angry! I just can't tolerate people who pandang remeh on etika kerja simply because to 'solve' things. Kononnya benda tu dah solve. Kononnya benda tu kecik jer. But the 'impact' to us is so great!. Why can't he see that!!. And what ever it is do not overrule your bos. Especially when you have a good one. Pay some respect guys. After all he is your bos. Just because you are our representative, it doesn't mean you can make your own decision. Geessshhh!!! Am I thinking too hard or he don't think at all?

I didn't know that I was mad that time. But after we adjourned the meeting, I felt this watery thing on my eyes. At that point of time I knew that I was holding my anger that lead to 'limpahan' air di mata. YES! I can end up cry trying to control my anger. That's just the way I deal with it. I tried to cool myself. Had my moment alone in my room. But, the moment I felt pain on my forehead and my neck, that's it! I knew it. It went up and up. I just want to go home. I figured out that if I make it to the dinner, I will not be me. I will just keep silent and do my job which is eat. That's why I decided not to go. I sms Ocha telling her that I dont feel like going. Langkah kanan when Azul is also fetching Yah @ Brunsfield. So dekat sgt la.

But I still have the money and the camera with me. Wanted to pass it to 'J' but he refuse to take. I think he noticed. (Or was it so obvious that he knew it just by looking at my face). Then I gave it to Abg 'I'. I lied (have to) to him said that I have to rush back. Then I went down and waited for Azul.

When I think it over, I wonder what makes me so mad. When I got home, some of them rang me, sms me. I just dont feel to answer them. I just want to sit and think of my behaviour. Am I being selfish? Am I being unfair? Did I give them a hard time? I don't know. I try to think that I am rite. But I'm afraid that may lead to 'hey aku betul!!' (bongkak) attitude. That's why I put Doa Mengelak Daripada Perangai Buruk as intro to this entry.

"Ya Allah, ampunkan la aku sekiranya perlakuan ku ini menimbulkan rasa tidak senang hati dan menyusahkan sahabat2 ku. Sesungguhnya yang buruk itu adalah dari ku dan yang baik itu adalah daripada Mu".

-AMIN-